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On any given day, there’s plenty of airtime dedicated to what’s apparently the burning issue of our time: how to make men gentler, softer and more in tune with… well, something.
It’s almost comical – a parade of bubble dwellers, angry women and preening men who serve in the military-industrial complex of the culture wars, lecturing the rest of us on what masculinity should look like.
But here’s the thing: that conversation is a luxury only available to those who aren’t neck-deep in the grind of real life – more specifically, caregiving for an impaired loved one.
The truth is, if you love someone, you’ll most likely be a caregiver at some point. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)
If you’re in the trenches – managing medications, keeping a household running, advocating for your loved ones or just trying to make it through another day without falling apart – the idea of debating what kind of “manliness” is best seems laughable.
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As a caregiver, I cook, clean, do laundry, protect our home, fix fences, care for animals, buy groceries, manage schedules, handle appointments, write books, compose music and still provide financially. Where does all this fit on the masculinity/femininity wheel?
Caregiving doesn’t care about your gender or whether you fit some ridiculous cultural narrative – it just takes everything you’ve got. And I mean everything.
The idea that we have time to sit around discussing whether someone is too “masculine” is as absurd as it is irrelevant. Is anyone making the same argument against women, accusing them of being “toxically feminine”? Of course not.
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Women who develop a tougher edge through caregiving are not “less feminine.” No one questions whether a mother dealing with a special-needs child or a wife fiercely advocating for her husband has somehow lost her womanhood.
So why are we even having this conversation about men?
Caregiving doesn’t allow for these pointless debates because, frankly, there’s no such thing as being masculine or feminine enough to handle it all. You’re either doing it or you’re not.
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In reality, caregiving demands that men learn from women and women learn from men. We borrow from each other’s strengths – without diminishing who we are. Caregivers take what works, whether it’s traditionally seen as “masculine” or “feminine,” because survival depends on using every tool in the box.
But even that’s not enough. When we inevitably run out of steam, we turn to the only inexhaustible source of strength – God. He made us male and female, and He did it on purpose. Not so we could go to war over reshaping each other into some new cultural ideal, but so we could reflect His design.
He looked at what He made, and He said it was good. In fact, the only thing God said wasn’t good – before sin and the fall – was that man was alone.
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So, instead of spending all our energy trying to reshape someone into our own ideal, why don’t we focus on helping someone not be alone? Life is hard enough without wasting precious time and resources on pointless wars.
Think about how much blood and treasure have been squandered on open-ended wars, leaving us vulnerable when the real hardships came – like caring for loved ones during a crisis. Our fellow citizens struggling in North Carolina and Florida may have strong opinions on the U.S. government’s stewardship of resources in those matters.
How many of those resources could have been better at home instead of being sent overseas to wars that seem endless and far removed from daily life?
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The wasted time on these ridiculous battles in the culture is no different.
The truth is, if you love someone, you’ll most likely be a caregiver at some point. And if you live long enough, you’ll need one. In that moment, you won’t care how masculine or feminine they are – you’ll just be grateful they showed up.
